An Open Letter to Parents of Deaf Children

Dear Parent,
As my last public blog post, before I go private on February 15, I wanted to write to the parents of deaf children out there. In particular I wanted to write to the hearing parents who have just found out that their newborn baby is deaf. I am not writing this to tell you what to do, but just as advice from someone who has been where you are. We are not perfect, and we haven't figured everything out yet, and the choices and decisions we have made may not be the same decisions and choices you make, and that's ok. There are just some things I wish I had known when I was where you are.
The first thing I wish I had known was that it's not the end of the world. I know how you might be feeling right now. Everything you had ever envisioned for your child, now seems to be linked to the ability to hear, and you might be wondering what your child will become now. Your child will be wonderful. There is nothing to hold them back from that. Having a deaf child is a lifestyle change, but it won't keep your child from a happy childhood and growing up to be a healthy, successful adult. I remember thinking about Johnny growing up deaf, and I thought, well he can't play sports, he won't like music, how will he learn how to drive? Now, I realize he can absolutely play any sport he wants, there's no reason why he can't like music, and what if he doesn't? And driving? He can absolutely do that. I also had concerns about him dating and finding someone to marry, him getting an education and getting a good job. I have met enough deaf adults now to know that he has every opportunity to be just as successful as any other child.
The other thing I wish I had known was that the Deaf community is wonderful and ASL is a beautiful language. I just want to pause here and say we did get a cochlear implant for Johnny, and are planning to do so for Eliza. I remember when we found out about Johnny's hearing loss, we felt like we were in the middle of a whirlwind, and when we got out, we were committed to an oral only approach. The doctors and nurses and audiologists definitely push it a lot. One audiologist discouraged us from using sign at all with our kids. We were still in the phase where we felt like all of our dreams and aspirations for our children was linked to hearing. We wanted our kids to be "normal" like all of the other kids. The problem for us was that we had to wait 6 months before Johnny would be implanted. He was already almost two. That would be another 6 months with no language. We made one decision then to go against what the professionals were telling us. We decided to sign. As a result, we sought help. We began having a deaf mentor come to our home, and I began taking ASL classes in school. We began going to deaf activities where there was a lot of signing. Johnny caught on to ASL very quickly, and he loves it. The other thing we noticed was how open and accepting the deaf community was to us. We couldn't believe this was the same culture and community the professionals had told us was very closed off and unwelcoming to newcomers. They will welcome your child and will help you. Why would you exclude yourself from people that have been where your child is? You have never been deaf yourself, so you don't know what to expect. The deaf community will love to see your child, especially if you are making an effort to learn ASL and teach it to your child. We have met so many wonderful people in the deaf community. The other thing we loved was that as we went to these activities, we noticed a difference in how they saw our children. There was not the same feeling of can't and disability. The saw our kids as smart and cute and great. They saw them as normal.
The last thing I would say is focus on what your child can do instead of what they can't. Don't think "can't hear", instead, think "deaf". There is a difference. The first focuses on something your child isn't, while the second is something your child is. They will always be deaf. despite what doctors or audiologists might say, there is no cure for deafness. So don't look at it like a disease or ailment. Teach you child to be pleased with who they are, to be pleased with being deaf. That will start with you feeling that way. Ask yourself if you love your child any less because they are deaf. When you find out that the answer is no, then you will start loving your child because they are deaf. Cochlear implants are wonderful tools, but please consider getting to know your local deaf community. Please consider teaching ASL to your child and learning it yourself. You will only find positives when you do. You will find more friends and allies to your cause, and you will find new ways to appreciate how truly amazing your child is. You will find talents and skills you never knew your child had. In short, it will only bless your lives. It has definitely blessed ours.
Now there will be some who read this who will totally disagree with me. That's fine. I truly believe that you are doing what you feel is best for your child. Understand that I am too. This is just an invitation to parents out there who are unsure or who may be wondering. It is an invitation to step out of your comfort zone, try something new and see how it could be a positive force in your life and in the life of your child. I am not a professional, I have no degrees, so really, what do I know? All I can do is tell you how our experience has been. I would never ask my son or daughter to give up signing, and I am grateful
for it and our local deaf community.
Thank you for reading this. And thank you to those who have been reading my blog these last few months. I have enjoyed sharing my life with you, and look forward to continuing to share in a more private fashion.
Sincerely,
Jake